hohoho...merry merry ops wrong season..hahhaa
my last entry of 2009 will be a short one..
anyway, i had been thinking that sometimes, our pace for aim and goals in life would be difficult and hard on people (which decide to walk slowly).

i kinda of dislike the way that life ended...2009
let's look back 2009
i was made a full pledge officer in SPF
which i think i am kinda of proud of my achievement.
achieved 2 silver in IPPT (2 times gold in IPPT 2.4km running).
i am proud to say i had made it.. hahhaa

2. I was made girlfriend of my current boyfriend
which i think he is manly enough. and he got most of the requirment i seek in a man.

3. I was made a fool in making a decision in studying in 2010..
which i felt this is a wrong decision the very moment i saw the timetable..can commit suicide.
hahha what to do.

4. what to do..hahha i was separated from family for a long time..
8 months in HTA.
5 months living somewhere else.
i felt sad and poor on my ma ma .

5. i was made a fool again by posted to this bloody working area.
which i felt that i am the greatest fool of all.
hahhaha
what to do.

anyway i hope 2010 i would achieve more..
be a real police woman..
rather than a OFFICE LADY
sitting behind desk.
i havent turned SO YET.
hahaha
good night everyone..
may peace found u ..

topic is snatch away, i took someone away from some body, what should i call myself.

i often dreamed of bad ending, my best friends love sad endings..
what make me so different from my peers..

i just happen to read some entries by someone, i knew that she must not be feeling good too..true enough, she is the only one that send him to this "scary" place and in e end, she didnt get to receive him out from this "scary" place.
i felt bad, i felt absolutely wicked. I felt absolutely bad bad bad..i knew this is the start of everything.. i knew i am the cause of everything.

will such incident happen to me the very next time..
i fear too much, i knew if i continue to react this way, i might risk the healthy of the relationship. but doesnt fear simply meant that he is considered " important" in my life.

I know myself well enough to carry out self-observation, i knew that if one day, i will stop considering about ur well being then i knew my passion had ended for u..
sad enough, i knew i needed more than this..
hehehehe
anyway, he is with me now, i already considered xin fu..
welcome xin fu..to me

being a woman got many advantages but thinking of it, is what makes us a woman
or what makes us different from all of them

anyway, i had been thinking alot, i had been so called miss oc counter for dun know how many dama irritating monkey years? i was told because this is normal procedure i am not saying i suffered the most, i am the most ke lian person

i am not, but can u feel my pain? can u feel my world can u feel the words running trhough my thorat but i was unable to say it out
can u ? can u?

i was so called being trapped in a male dominated world, i agreed to the facts, many things that male can do it better but why why. why there is not a slightly respect for us, why i am a sgt i need to bow my bloody head to a stupid ns nitec cpl that dun even know a single shit, fuck u lah,

u better think carefully, just bceause u served ur bloody time in dhq doesnt meant u my senior, i had more experience than u in counter(yes why i am always behind the desk)
why..
i dun get it, i wont get it, never can get it
then twist me around, turn me over
laugh at me, tell me that i am a stupid good for nothing girl
better still, fuck u lah, u think u know better than me?
pls pls pls, i dun scold at complainant for nothing, i dun believe that i needed a res from these
come on, jan 5th, no mattterw what i wont give up on studies, because the only way i can truly step onto ur head, is when i become ur BOSS

when i turned evil, i felt almost the same like tavia when she casted in the new drama
yes no body is good and kind in here, all of them sux
go to hell, every single one of u, u only know ur pleasure, tell me that i am evil, come on, i am not as evil as u,

u guys sux...sux sux ...pls go and bury urself in the mud..
all of u listen up, dun let me get my degree faster than u, because once i return, and u are stil here u will burn in hell
yes i am going to drag all of u down..with me..
yes i am mad so what, i dun care..
no body cares
why i bother..
sux sux sux sux sux...

it's been for many months and how many days that i had been thinking??
it's been awhile since i tried to figure it out what's wrong with me..
trying to understand that life isnt around 2 bloody stupid brainless kids trying to convince everyone that they are suitable for each other.

i tried to tell him that actually if this is the way, he is giving me answer, by snozing and fall asleep when i expected an answer from him, then i got nothing else to say, trying to control my temper when i was with him, trying to be someone that i am not.

it's kinda of hard, tough, if he is unhappy with me, he can just bloody fuck off, because he knew i will come begging for him, maybe kiss his toe, begging for forgiveness. how funny? i can be right? hahhaa well, i think i always looking for a easy way out, i try to understand that i should sometimes, make my opinions and my views being heard, he kept pushing and pushing..

he wanted things his way, i wanted my life this way, i willing to lower down the bar so i can fit him better, but can he do the same thing?
do he know that sometime, i felt that i cant breathe, because i feared this and i am worried for that.?

tmr is e deadline for studies, i asked him what he wish to pursue in the end, he fall asleep immediately,
i ask him, do he need time to think, he just sleep without telling me,
can he be more polite by telling me " miss can give me some times to think"
he is the one who kept pushing me to faster go and sign up for the course
now?

whatever my sister told me is wrong? so who he think he is?
he is also protective of his family mah, cant i be too?
i cant be around 24/7, telling him he is right, i am also a human.not a dog,
i needed my due respect, i know by typing this..
wont help me any good (do me). but i got no one to turn to ..
i feared the worst is not yet to arrive, what am i suppose to do..
tell me.

actually, i wana to be as nice to him but realised i needed more patient toward him..
well i cant possible to led this life ..

ok..i will be cool cool..i needed.. to be cool..
anyway, i really dun know how to face this problem anymore, but i do believe in one thing, if he is suitable for me, i really will know...soon..

i will be making some changes soon..i cant revolve life around this state..hahahha

anyway... Time to reveal that sex is not everything but is entirely everything.. Sometimes, dating a male is always a chance to risk, well thats why i hate being a lady...because for female, we are always at the losing end.. What to do.. What to do... Sigh...

Anyway, i had thought it through, i realised i cant find a 100 % suitable partner, why dun settle down with a 70% partner? Lk what katies did when she decided to marry holmes, bcoz she thought is a good vhhance in e end, hahaha so for woman always remember, not to devoted urself into a realtinoship when u kniw u wont be the only one in his life, i already give up.. Bcoz he is nt perfct for me.. What i had to do, i had to do.. Hahaha i still decide to proceed to buy my hp and my mp5.hohoho well.. Is a kind of goood thing to do.. Bcoz i wana to be indepenent.. Am i wanta to experience..more in life...



Whatever activities in f, i will go so i can get to know more friends, open up my ciricle..hahhaa more chanced coming along..hahhaha well so sad, i only lk bad boys..hahaha thats me... Time to shoo... Car car car websire..well i believe gaming is more interesting than him too..smile smile...

anyway, i had been thinking abit today, during the road back to his cousin house, i had been thinking how exactly i had do to help myself ..
anyway, i must stop reolving myself around his world..

anyway, everyone needs to grow up mah?
i kinda of sleepy hor, his family gathering ..is always long duration and days taking..anyway i believe this is only the begining of everything..
i needed to believe what ever i know from this guy, is whatever i needs and required/
but i dont buy it no more

Recently, i thought is a good month to get marry?
why so many ppl get ditched this month too?

why? i felt so confused..
one of my colleague dated his gf for 8 long years, he had treated her as princess..
try not to offend his gf in anyway, still cope with his own..life
in the end, he still give her up..
because?
i got no answer..

another one is this handsome lad i knew in my working place, he got the same birthday date as my bf..
he almost getting marry,already engaged.
he did everything to please the gf..
but because of his job nature, he cant do much..
but..tell me..

isnt love able to overcome all these?
i got no confident at all, that next year his bday will still be me ..or
will be someone else.
because i got no confident in myself at all, evolving ..around..
kept improving in the end, will i lose my true me?
my true self?

but no victory come without blood, i believe if this is the path i choosen to take.
and walk, i believe i should proceed..on..rather than..
pretending nothing had gone wrong..

recalling back the times i had spent with him, really make me smile from the bottom of my heart ..
because these are good times spend..
because i got a good headstart, i expect that nothing will goes wrong during the way?
hahha wake up my dear..nothing is forever.
if u refused to place some effort inside this relatonship..
how truthful can i be to him?
how faithful can he to me?
how much more can we go? how much further more?

these questions..
i believe i should find sometime..to answer these.
hahaha..
well yst, i didnt plaN well because my face was round and round..ahha..
anyway thanks..
i understand..
relationship no longer..guided by times..
only remember the very reason why u fallen in love with him or her..

trust ur own gut..
ur heart will lead the way..to his heart..if u are meant for each other..